well i slept for 7 hours last night after going to bed a little later than usual because of a spontaneous call from my mum. sleep architecture was normal. appetite throughout the day was normal. energy levels were a little more variable than they have been, but that’s only because energy levels have been low recently.
i feel no residual clinging to the scaffold and feel able to balance the two explanatory models easily. i can see holes in the scaffold - for example the face being used as a processing unit sounds more far-fetched than the face echoing neural reconfiguration due to the non-reliance on spinal nerve structures - but they do not bother me and i am not compelled to fix them. the scaffold is just a scaffold, and it does not need to be perfect.
there is zero reality decoupling or altered state. there is no compulsion or lack of control. there is no echo of mania. it’s just like i have written a story and got nicely fired up while i was doing so and that is it.
facial microtensions were more obvious than they have been yesterday but still restrained mostly to the central forehead and ocular muscles, which i view as low-stakes reconfiguration and future-forecasting. i can still remember the deconditioning around n2 and n3 where the entire face felt like it was being forced sideways, and where the sensation of worms crawling out of my cheeks was overwhelmingly intense. it felt like they would never end, and then with the passing of n3 they were completely gone. for a while.
there was a point at the end of n3 where i was releasing all idea of my self - even my body and visual presentation - and i was watching in the mirror as my face twitched and writhed with the release of these tensions. releasing any idea of sanity and mutually-experienced reality. walking back from where i found the suicide body and feeling my upper lip curl into a snarl that i have never experienced before or since. the face stores so much traumatic learning, and that learning seems to have gone.
anyway i’m pretty chill. not sure what i’ll do today. i have an article in mind, but it doesn’t feel urgent and i’ll not bother doing anything yet. probably read a book until my family wake up. drink some decaf. there’s none of the old drive or need to export; not at the moment anyway. the whole ‘contact mark and elon’ thing has no urgency, but it would be cool to get an easy hundred-mil of funding to make this ‘enlightenment tech’ into a thing. yesterday there was some drive on that front, but it was intentional and i used it to create the new scaffold. now i look at the scaffold and am like ‘that’s a cool job advert lets see if it works’. but i realise that i probably need to work my way up the ladder.
i did get slight tension headaches at a point yesterday but that’s par for the course and they were no big deal. i view the processing headaches as signs that the neural network is convoluted and abundant in exaggerated minima. these are completely gone, though i imagine that new deep learnings or data could cause new minima. the minima feel like they are exploded during my evening meditation sessions and then when the network is consolidating i can get a feeling of tension or stiffness in the cranium as it settles in a new configuration. i believe the sensations yesterday were the latter, but also just regular tiredness due to the unusual sleep of the night before.
during the chat with my mum i was able to very clearly and easily explain the entire theory, or thereabouts, using metaphor when appropriate. it took about 35 minutes and she understood maybe half of it, but i am confident that i could talk with almost anyone about this and not come across like a lunatic. the scope is so large that most people will just glance at it and say ‘crazy’, but they said the same thing about the earth moving around the sun. any scientist worth their salt will know that science also happens in cycles and we are entering a new cycle right now, with AI taking off and the james webb telescope discovering things which totally violate our understanding of the structure of the universe. anyone who is going to be able to work on something like this, and not just choose the low-hanging fruit for easy thesis or employment, will hopefully be able to listen.
all i can do is keep documenting. maybe brush up the structure of the site. preserve fidelity for my sample of n=1. did i say that i want people to tear this apart and build it back up? i’m not a snake oil salesman. i have my own enlightenment; the stakes are low for me. but i am convinced i have the elephant here - an explanation for why religion, exercise and drugs can help to genuinely heal trauma and for why so many people say that religion cured their adhd before being dismissed by the community for ‘non-replicability’.
well it’s not replicable because you don’t believe. belief modulates dopaminergic precision-weighting, and dopamine potentiates synaptic attractor states. my theory is about why belief in itself works, and how you can mimic the effects of belief using things like exercise, cold exposure and pharmacology. i do not ‘believe’. i have experienced it and the science lines up. this is critical thinking after many iterations of exploration and doubt, and personal experience of the process and results.
belief doesn’t come into it.
anyway that’s about it. nothing to report. time for a book and chill, or maybe even another hour’s lie-down.
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