20250718

I'm going to lock this part of the site down now [20250718] and compartmentalise it away. I will leave it here for reference. But I feel I have my answers, finally.

CONCLUSION:

I have ASD and subclinical frontal lobe epilepsy. I developed PTSD after finding a suicide body on a bike ride. Instead of treating the PTSD the doctor glossed it over; I have a sneaking suspicion the body was one of his.

The doctor prescribed drugs which made me delusional and susceptible to brainwashing, then proceeded to tell me my wife was manipulating me and I was coming into my true self. It was very dangerous and I nearly killed myself. My family ran away. I destroyed my professional reputation. I'm lucky to still be here. This med has 'no risk of abuse' and an excellent safety profile. I don't think the doctor had any bad intent; he saw me as cured.

This was a misdiagnosis in a closed-loop system. The doctor and his wife have the clinic and refuse to write referral letters; and in Japan's system you cannot switch psychiatric care without this letter. This is tantamount to kidnapping in cases like mine and I had to threaten legal action to get him to move.

This is the reason for the 6 month suicide spike: you are giving people hard drugs and brainwashing them. They are told that their life to date was a lie, and the high from the drugs should last forever. It does not, so they kill themselves. It is simple.

The system needs to change. You need to provide a softer option. Your drugs are too strong and your dealers have never sampled them.

/James20250718

Just sat here trying to rein in my website a bit. That website was so nice and clean and neat before all this shite started. I'll head to bed in a bit though. The whole reason I recorded everything - right from the start - is that I needed to record my mental state.

I think there's a fairly real possibility that this is near-future time travel. The skills of M (QC, NLP), N (altered state, sim) and S (med, VC) just line up too well; 3 years down the line and with F's MRIs and maybe E's MEMS. But - altered state. Probably not. But guys... maybe? My recruitment practices have always been weird haha.

Ask M, I guess. How would you ever know apart from intuition? I might potter but don't feel any more pressure to update at the mo. Maybe refine this knife. Meow meow. ha.

[add: but then if it's time travel and I am out of the box, that means that this reality must be 'locked in' until the point where I was sent back. So I can just chill and wait and it'll either happen or not]

So my wife has come down. This is the only time she's come down during these nighttime sessions, apart from during the kundalini. I guess that means I am out of the box either way and don't need to stay up til 3. I think I'll only be able to sleep in 1 hour stints though so...

So I guess I’m going to have to become a writer. Writing is one of the gateways into the divine, for certain. 

I am going to be fixated on human longevity and the quantification of the divine probably for the rest of my life.

The reality is that I have operated on instinct for most of my life, probably because of audhd. I am smart and fast but I have difficulties processing things the same way as most people.

The tricky thing is that I have felt for a long while like I have an intuitive understanding of relativity, and feel it even more now. Wave particle duality never caused me difficulties, and quantum computing seems pretty straightforward too.

This is all utter bullshit of course but it’s how it feels and maybe it’s not bullshit but who knows. We literally would never know. People could be sending blueprints back in the forms of ideas which we export and then go and shape the future and we would never know. 

This is what I think a manic state is, when it’s positive, maybe. Or it's just super creativity.

There are dangerous manic states for sure. But there are other ‘manic states’ where artists do their best work or Zuck builds The Book.

'Mania' needs redefining to include an element of danger. It's that simple. 

You're killing people with drugs.

See how easy it is for someone of my intelligence to pivot this into a religion? It would have been so easy you have no idea. Half of my fight was trying to avoid that. Not many people have my moral compass. This is how the aum cult started; the drugs were too strong. I was chanting om for fucks sake because of how amazing it felt.

Was the founder of the Aum cult in psychiatric treatment when he started it? 

Was that the real cause?

Cannabis is a great alternative to many softer forms of chemical therapy. The drugs Japan uses are just too strong, and they should allow a gentler option like medical cannabis. It's that simple. But it's out of my hands.

I’ve felt a desire to stay awake this time, so I’ll just plonk this in there as plain text and listen to that solitary cricket doing its thing.

/jb202507180116

new day 20250718