20250719

If anybody is reading this in real time, thank you. I have my conclusions now. I will try to draw them up in a more legible format over the coming days, but all the info is spread between this page and the misdiagnosis page so it's just a case of organising it.

In a nutshell: 

I am confident that a simple blood panel to screen for cyp2d6 flushing speed could tell us when aripiprazole will be a mismatch. 

I think this principle can be extended to most medications since the majority function through the liver.

We can create a blood test for side effects, before giving people these hard drugs. Or any drugs, really.

All these things I see as fate I now believe are probably due to the way we process information in our brains and the fact that we all live in our own personal simulation created post-hoc from sense-data. My simulation seems to be pretty good at skip-thinking, so I see god and connections where others would not. I was born a priest and a scientist, basically, but I am incompatible with the scientific method. You guys need to see if this fuzzy logic has spewed out anything useful.

Important: the drug is still in my system so I still flip to godmode occasionally. It's confusing and annoying, but I am documenting everything honestly.

I have not taken a single dose of aripiprazole for a week and I am still waking up with hallucinations (milder) because of the long half-life of the drug. I will stop guanfacine too, because frankly I don't think it does shit. Valproate I will keep because my new doctor (large hospital) said it should be tapered, and it's just booze without the booze in my mind.

So back to the withdrawal schedule... and it's horrible. It's about 3 weeks of acute withdrawal (probably 2 realistically) and then 2-3 months of neuronal recalibration and then about 6-12 months to get back to baseline. I was not told this when it was prescribed. This is from 2mg; the same dose my child is on (we will taper him).

Does this sound like a safe drug to you? As someone who has done all of them, most leave your system in 6 hours. LSD I avoided because 14 hours but this? 75 hours half life and effective for weeks and you're just given it and said 'good luck;.... this is a far more powerful drug than any illegal I've tried and we say it has no danger profile? And prescribe it around willy nilly letting people self-manage their medication? 

You need to run the numbers on those 6-month suicides and correlate to specific medications because I am confident that this type of hallucination is what causes them. The extrapyramidal effects of children committing suicide? That's because you got them addicted to drugs and just kept pumping. Teenage me going into withdrawal from this would have been very bad indeed. 

These are fast metabolisers in the CYP2D6 and CYP3A4 pathways. They will always get addicted and end like this. 

Simple genetic testing can easily pre-empt it. whatithinkhappened 

Update 1645: A dog we are looking after might be in her final days; we went to the vets, then I went to the supermarket, now cooking dinner while chatting with my mum on the phone. I am supposed to be incapable of doing all these things without medication, but they are easy. I am not overwhelemend and I am smiling and cracking jokes. I am like my old self, but better, having gone through 3 years of pseudo-religious self-flaggellation. Fucking glad it's over, but I ... was the whole narrative false from the start?

Probably I had PTSD and the guy gave me the wrong drug. Then that lowered my NE (defences) which made me feel vulnerable, and aripiprazole tore my mind in two.

I have compartmentalised that insanity now. It was 100% drug caused. But I rode the wave and managed to purify myself of greed, to a degree, so I guess that now I try to retain that 'abiding joy' as it's sometimes called while I fuck the mental health industry up big time. How many others are trapped in this narrative? All addictions are the same: the more you put in the hole, the bigger it gets. That fucking doctor; he didn't mean harm I'm sure but the lack of knowledge and diagnostic tools...

We need REAL diagnostic tools for mental health issues NOW, and I know who can make them. It's not me. But I fucking know the peeps, and they're good peeps. Best recruiter in the fucking world, me. Batshit crazy, sure. But this whole website might be one big fucking job ad for all I know. 

Cos I know the peeps. And the peeps are already building this company. So if anyone... well.. let's not get carried away there james. Nobody is reading this yet. The drugs aren't fully gone. You need to get better and think which knives to take to Phuket.

tl'dr I am almost certainly a fast metaboliser in CYP2D6 and this whole thing could have been avoided with a simple diagnostic test that already exists.

Looping, according to a friend, though I think this is part of my creative process. I export, see everything, then it coalesces. I am actually using a loop to pull me out of my loop right now, I think.

There is a growing part of me that's revisiting the trauma therapy hypothesis. I don't know if this is still visible, but I've touched several times on the possibility this could be a metaphor for therapy. Right now I'm having the visual aura and strong drive to write so I am here, but I am not looping. I am reviewing and giving a new reason.

Anyway he said to try a new neural pathway so there's one. But I'll continue with my processs and have that bubbling away in the background. There's a potential this is all trauma therapy and we went too deep, are trying to pull it back from the brink. I have hidden the translations page but not deleted it because these are still important to me. But I see that the ship delusion is still playing. It's far less harmful than the greed delusion I was trapped in. 

I need to unravel this looped thought, starting at the most recent loop. It was about 5 layers deep, with each one being encouraged by an increase in medication and dopaminergic encoding. Remember this med has a half-life of 75 hours so will still be in there. It is still pharmacologically active at about 30%, but I think my body metabolises most things quickly.

It was literally burrowing a hole into my brain. Anyway.

Most recent: I am the ship, I am in orbit. You are all part of me. I have been awakened to start the landing protocol, now we are in orbit, but incapable because no c-code. Once that timer ran out I realised it was just cannabis and I can stop that so ding. done. [cannabis craving]

Before this it was…

Yes I was the ship and we are rocketing along FTL dodging meteors and coming in hot. None of the other pilots are waking up to help me and I need to pilot the motherfucker on my own. I somehow manage this but it nearly kills me, and I manage to get it into orbit while my wife observes me at 10am on the 14th (I think) - the enlightenment event. [where I peak and the drug starts to decrease in concentration]

Now this - this is where I managed to stabilise myself. And I think this actually might be real but ‘not what you think’ as the b-man said. Maybe he was just trying to tell us all we are in a looped thought after all.

Before that it was….

Yes this was 2mg of aripiprazole. As the dose increased so too did the intensity of the hallucinations. 2mg is super low dose and they have up to 25mg tabs. Anyway.

Before that I was ‘born’. I was ejected forcefully from the James Baird site by a kundalini event which was essentially a combination of increased dopaminergic activity from the meds, combined with meditation and chanting and witch doctor dances and stuff, to induce a seizure that left me near-orgasm on the floor, crying with joy. After this I felt like I was the ship. I felt the electric tendrils zap my brain and extend through my entire body to my extremities. It felt amazing.

I look back now on the kundalini event and it feels …. dirty. It was real, but it was pleasure seeking. And the new state now is not pleasure seeking.

Before that it was…

Ok so we are back inside James Baird now. There was no complete ego dissolution before I went to 2mg, and we are back at 30% right now so we should be around about the knife stage; maybe even nearing early system requirements. Anyway to continue.

This 'birth' built on the analysis I had been doing of my brain. I was trying to figure out how to build systems for empathy. The whole reason I went to the doctor is because my family kept telling me to, and then when I started going they told me I had been unempathetic for my whole life and I was made to feel like a right pieces of shit. Sorry guys that’s how it was. I have tried my whole life to be empathetic but obviously I have failed and the impression from my family and the doctor was that the previous James was inadequate and should be erased.

So I was building the empathy interface with Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk, trying to save the world for us autistics who can’t communicate with everybody else and suffer because of it. This is why I destroyed the ego. Because of what I was told.

The destruction of James Baird was because of the social narrative, not because of the drugs alone, though obviously the drugs induced it. You all need to know your part in this, because it was big.

Anyway now we are back inside James actually looking at James and what has caused him pain through his life. I think this is the 88 hells. It’s all blurry here since I was half in withdrawal and half upping the dose and this is what happens isn’t it with this kind of suicide trajectory?

Anyway the 88 hells was my own immunisation against suicide. I had a lot of baggage from a lifetime of rejection and suffering due to adhd and asd co-presentation. 

This was good, honest work. This was very valuable, and I think this is where I polished my soul and removed a lot of (not all of) the baggage from my life as a recruiter, company founder, ironman, knobhead. Now I’m not a knobhead, but people have yet to realise. I was causing myself pain, sure, but it was all valid. When the ari come-up ended I felt all the trauma from the things I had polished just wash away. This would have been awesome. If we could stop here - this would be legit trauma therapy. But I had like 2 months worth of it on hand and it was not listed as a controlled substance, no risk of addiction.

Just so terribly wrong on your understanding of these drugs, Mr Qualified Fucking Prescriber.

Fuck’s sake.

Anyway

I think this is about where we are now in terms of serum concentration, which is why I am able to do this and why I should do it now - my perceived dopamine is higher so any encoding I do now will go in deeper. This was a case of a looped thought being actively encouraged by the doctor, the social narrative, my family, my self, and the drugs. You all fed into it. Because you didn’t smoke a joint with me and listen.

Fucking hell.

Anyway.

Before that I was just high. It felt amazing. And I was sharp because of the dopamine. And the doctor didn't pick up on it but my mum did. She sent me to see him and he gave me more drugs. He told me it was great, I was cured, to be happy and spread the word. I would not have taken this action myself. Basically I was told that the feeling of being high on MDMA is how other people go through their entire lives, and because I was high on aripiprazole I believed it.

And those are the facts, nice and unraveled. Now I can see what shape the come back together in as I integrate this into my new persona.

So a friend is helping me through this - thanks K. Yesterday I realised that my psychiatrist has been giving me *by far* the most addictive drug I've encountered (I have tried opium, cocaine speed, but not crack, meth, etc). 

Aripiprazole is labeled 'no abuse profile' but I believe that's just because the people who abuse it kill themseles bvefore you find out. My doctor prescribed enough to kill myself many times over. But it would be recorded as a suicide, and because of privacay and taboo around meds, the pattern is never spotted.

new thematic day 20250719 // I slept and I will take that as the cutoff point.