I’ve had enough of biting my tongue on this one. What if you’re not bipolar? What if you’re in an insight cycle?
One of the diagnostic criteria for mania that you think you are Jesus or the Buddha. Know who else thought this? Jesus and the Buddha.
People deep in an insight cycle at retreat often sleep 3-4 hours per night; elevated tonic dopamine. I slept 1-2 hours when I was nearing awakening. I had no bags under my eyes and the insights came thick and fast. I was diagnosable. What about those meditators?
I awoke and stopped all drugs immediately and effortlessly with no crash into depression and a distinct lack of withdrawal. The doc gave me valproate to ‘be on the safe side’ and it completely halted my assimilation of the experience until I stopped that too.
When I asked chatgpt how to distinguish between an insight cycle and bipolar disorder, it said that some people are born with bipolar disorder. No shit. They have been since the dawn of time and they never used drugs to squash it down before; they used contemplation and were told that the only way out was through. All cultures, all religions, all eras. See below.
Maybe the insight cycle is how some of us process the big questions in life. We go through a dark night of the soul and come out the other side with insight, bursting with creativity because we have the answers.
Maybe the arising and passing (hypomanic) phase is where the synaptic dominoes align and we are flooded with dopamine and eureka! E = mc²
People walk around with ‘what would Jesus do’ wristbands. They hang the crucifix on their wall and put a statue of the Buddha on their mantlepiece. Then when someone says they feel the same love toward the world as one of these people they are called broken and given drugs.
What if some of these people are going through awakenings? I felt like the Buddha; I knew I was not. A religion would have known what was going on. As it was I had to hide it from the doctor because he would have taken away the meds and stopped the process.
How I think it happens is this: when tonic dopamine drops, our defences weaken and buried demons begin to stir. The system responds with phasic bursts to keep us functional, but those bursts make the demons start to howl and scream. Sustained phasic activity lifts tonic dopamine, bringing us back into balance, and with our newfound equanimity we can de-horn the demons and look at them without fear. Then the final stage is more phasic bursts which allow us either weaken those demons or export them from our system entirely.
What about all those artists who create in hypomanic phases? Kanye; maybe you really are a genius. Maybe you were awakening.
Previously a priest or a monk would have told you to pray and meditate and work your way out with natural regulation. Now we are put on the drug carousel. One pill makes us larger, and one pill makes us small.
What if these demons are logs in the river and you’re about to flush them? What if, like me, once the dam breaks you find you still cycle but it’s a matter of hours or days, easy and light, no suffering in the dark?
What would once have been called god or the divine is now called pathology. People are told they are broken and given drugs which can break them further. Sometimes the drugs help, but there’s a hell of a lot of guesswork in there.
There needs to be an element of danger added to the diagnosis for mania and doctors need to start providing real guidance on how to work through your issues instead of just trying to bury them with pharmaceuticals. Those issues are still there, under the chemicals. They will return and they will be stronger for the effort.
People need to be taught how to regulate and to be allowed to go and rock in a corner if they need to. Stop trying to crush everyone into the same box just because their motion bothers you. Would a monk or a priest swaying and murmuring bother you? Actually, wait. Don't answer that.
We need to develop equanimity. Learn how to release the demons naturally and safely, rather than repress both rapture and darkness, hating our natural selves, digging that chisel in deep.
The self-love bullshit needs to stop, too. Self-care: yes. But how can a human with changing emotions be expected to love themselves all the time? Just let yourself be; sometimes you’ll love and sometimes you’ll hate and it’s all part of the process.
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!
Jesus and the Buddha… pretty hard to think of two individuals who have had a more positive impact on humanity.
I wonder: would Jesus have gone to the doctor’s instead of the desert? Would the Buddha have downed some valproate instead of sitting under that tree? How would the world look now if they had?
Maybe tigers should not be kept in cages, and maybe lions should be allowed to roar.
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