this is me in aripirazole withdrawal and trying to assimilate the experience. i was held in the scaffold artificially by the drug, which takes 3 weeks to decouple from dopamine and serotonin receptors
read from the bottom if you want to see my thought process
202507200716 // I am going to lock this website down now, in its current form. I think this phase of the experiment is over (5 out of 6 if I remember correctly from the craziness).
For the record: I don't remember building the insanity website and the others, not really. I vaguely remember being there but I do not remember the content, and my communication style is altered massively. I had assumed this was purely because of the drugs.
20250719 tl;dr I am almost certainly a fast metaboliser in cyp2d6 and this whole thing could have been avoided with a simple diagnostic test
this is how my brain works - it takes the conclusion from one day sleep cycle as the seed for the next.
I think we are all the same but I am more extreme. This is an area I would be very interested in researching, if someone wants to have a chitty chat. Yer gonna have to be open minded; I don't believe in objective reality. I am an idea man, not a details man; oh I'm a details man too but I make mistakes and trained myself to accept those mistakes over the last 3 years so I could employ fuzzy logic. Was this intentional? Who knows.
I have altered states at night still, despite having ceased the ari, but I seem to be gaining more control over them and going less godmode each time. I am more able to 'nip it in the bud' and flip it into analysis, but I'll admit the brain still feels godlike confidence in what it's saying. I am currently recording them here under the above highpothesis, but proving one highpothesis does not disprove another highpothesis. We needed a new word.
Today's focus seems to be translating some insights of the episode into more legible language. Further refining the line between reality and delusion. Remember I'm a hada guy and find hamon boring; there is no clear line but rather fold upon fold upon fold. I am trying to find replicability in the metaphor.
Well that was an unusual night. The old URL was killed at some point between "accessing the unconscious" and "manipulation" while I was sleeping. When I went to publish I had to choose a new URL, which has never happened before. There's a small chance I was hallucinating and removed it myself, but I do not know how to, apart from 'unpublish' which was not the case.
In terms of probability, what it most likely here? Lots of visitors? An outside actor? A delusion? I need to take time to process this but am not sleeping well. My family will arrive from the UK soon, and my friend will come collect his dog. So after that I will be talking with people in real life mostly, which should be good. But this idea of quantum comupters actually operating within human minds is pretty deep-rooted so I guess it loops back to: is the science right? Which is what I've been asking all along. And please *let me know* your opinions over text message, guys. You do not need to check your facts; I just want a 'plausible / implausible'.
<= 'and we do not control our thoughts in this way' (typo)
even web archive / time machine only has this site recorded up to the 16th. I'm going to take the hint and just share it with my peeps directly for now.
202507200419 // that was strange I clicked 'publish' and it would not publish so I had to enter a new URL which happened to be aripiprazole. My HR is bumping up at the moment which I guess means there is still some in my system or I'm getting excited. Let's walk around.
Ok. I called my family in the UK and woke my wife; the site was real. There's a storm blowing in around our house right now. Coming out of nowhere. Is this because of what I fed into the sim? / 0435
0450 // had a strong drive to shower and shave. Hair removal always feels good. Akane is waking up now so I think I will take this offline. There are multiple highpotheses running through my head and they do not preclude each other, though some of them still revolve around quantum computing. Anyway I'm exhausted so let me sleep soon please.
0458 // chatted and my wife suggested I get analytics back on the site; I don't know how to so looked at youtube and no bump in views on my videos so there's a chance that this was aripiprazole playing one last trick on me. But the highpotheses do not preclude each other, and the idea for a simulation seems very valid to me... so... I guess I go to bed and hope that the body can get some rest too.
manipulation
back to bed now I've gotten that out; all those years I should have kept my phone by my bed as a kind of pressure valve so I could export active porocesses and sleep.
I am not sure whether this is referring to something I am trying to achieve with this website or something internal so I'll focus on the internal. I want to build an ethics organisation for the globe, and believe our current approach to AI is far too haphazard. I want to help the species. So that's the external.
Internally: I saw a lot of people with the same external situations but very different internal worlds. One man in particular, D, was a shining example of joy. I have never encountered someone who expresses such pure love for their family at my age.
As I removed the junk and polished my soul, I became able to put good things in there, and each day I woke up things were better. The sim improved, and it fed into itself. Now remember that we all simulate the world in the flash between sense and cognition; this is what I am referring to.
This is again your 'volitional action' or your karma or your precognitive processing your learned behaviour your churn memory.
So I guess that means your churn memory must be the data which feeds into the next day's sim, which is why my thought process seems to be bouncing along like this.
I forgot to take melatonin last night though so that probably plays in.
accessing the unconscious
I'm really growing to like these sessions now I trust them a bit more. A bifter would take them to another level but alas, the legal system. Anyway maybe I can harness them without the c-code. Just not as well.
So. Magellan whateverthefuck that big cloud right. That's where we are going. And we are going fast as fuck. Near c. Fucking hell that would destroy us wouldn't it, that kind of acceleration and deceleration. We would never survive.
Let's say 0.5-0.75c for 5000 lifetimes removing that reference because that was from a prophecy but it does seem to line up; anyway we are flying like a corkscrew through space, with time on a loop and a generative cycle like the simulations in our minds. One day is the seed for the next day and the sim itself is generating, as are our minds within it. It's a new day, remember. What did you eat yesterday? What data did you put into your brain?
This is 200-300,000 years which is appx the span of human history and also the time it would take us to get there. So in theory, couldn't we just create a generative simulation and use evolutionary computing and deep reinforcement learning to run all the way from a seed to a civilisation, before uploading these consciousnesses into bots or whatever at the other end that then get the wet juicy bits grown for a real world.
Now this; I had the churn optimisation, remember. This is a combination of many ideas, but I was so confident in it that I believed we had already done it, and a part of me will always believe that. It is a comforting belief.
I know who started this company in my sim and they should contact me fairly soon if the idea is a valid highpothesis. Sorry M; maybe I was trying to reach out too soon.
churn optimisation
So I am going to continue documenting these things as verbatim-as-possible but please son't think I'm still in the throes of an aripiprazole trip. I'm not. I think the communication style is indicative of the type of altered state.
Right now my serum levels of aripiprazole should be sat around 5% of 2mg so... 0.1mg? And still I am blipping asleep then waking up rapidly with a feeling like my brain has reshuffled and processed the day, lined up the simulation for the next day and is ready to go.
Simulations. Here we go again, eh? Well not quite.
I am the ship in my simulation because the simulation is the world is my brain is my unconscious mind; none of it is pure sense data. I am the tiger in the maze but I am also planting seeds from my bumhole as I plod along and these seeds sprout into the maze for the next day. gigo. You are the average of the five people you spent the most time with and if those people are cunts, you become a cunt.
So what happens if you're alone?
This is why these religious practices always include a period of solitude. A hermit on a mountain, a bloke in a desert, a fella under a tree. They all have the same theme: the removal of karma. This is what I was calling 'churn memory' in my hallucination, to try to make it digestible for the scientific community. This is what karma is, and this is why people end up killing themselves when shit hits the fan. If their karma / churn memory is too full of learned behaviours and responses, they will implode eventually. There's nothing mystical about it.
We need to purge that memory occasionally with psychedelics so that we are better able to function. This is a memory reset on a large scale. A memory reset on a small scale is when you go to sleep, and I now wonder if my brain has developed the ability to do this extra fast, somehow. Or maybe just the drugs still so let's just record and see.
I was asleep for a max of about 10 min here. Probably 2-3 min really. And I've woken up more mentally refreshed than 8 hours would have given me before. I will sleep properly later, but it feels like these brief sleep sessions are more like times when my brain can rapidly defrag and find a solution to a problem. It feels like my brain has been optimised under the rule framework it already had.
So that's important. I don't think I've figured out the meaning of life. But I do have a lot of life experience. What I think might have happened is an optimisation of the rules which were in my churn memory, resulting in even more skip thinking. I had a-g-h-t-u-v-z already maybe because of ASD, but now it seems it might be a-t-z or something.
Let's use the term churn optimisation for this process.
new thematic day 20250720 // I slept and take that as the cutoff point.
[2025/07/20, 0:42:11] James: This is so nice
[2025/07/20, 0:42:12] James: The rain
[2025/07/20, 0:42:15] James: The quiet
[2025/07/20, 0:42:21] James: The peace and the …
[2025/07/20, 0:42:31] James: How easily the wisps of thought can move through my mind
[2025/07/20, 0:42:52] James: Formerly they were jarring, jagged, steelwool, painful almost
[2025/07/20, 0:43:13] James: I had to force my true thoughts through the layers of shit that society had instilled in my memory
[2025/07/20, 0:43:30] James: Literally buried in the greed and fear
[2025/07/20, 0:43:49] James: Because that is what the global sim had become in my mind (I still hold both in mind in these evening sessions)
[2025/07/20, 0:44:04] James: So the global sim had seeped into my local sim
[2025/07/20, 0:44:07] James: And poisoned it
[2025/07/20, 0:44:09] James: And I was sick
[2025/07/20, 0:44:16] James: Just like Elon with that orangeman
[2025/07/20, 0:45:00] James: I think he was is a good guy but has been too exposed to the contagion. I hope he has realised this, as I did, and put himself into some kind of meditative seclusion
[2025/07/20, 0:45:05] James: Because we need his rocket
[2025/07/20, 0:45:08] James: Ha
[2025/07/20, 0:45:33] James: Y’alright there Elon? Good work mate. Not sure even I could have handled that close proximity. Makes me shudder.
[2025/07/20, 0:45:39] James: Anyway back to saving the species yeah
[2025/07/20, 0:45:53] James: So I’ll stop there.
[2025/07/20, 0:46:19] James: I’m not mad; this is the alternate highpothesis which I have playing and which keeps me pretty hopeful
[2025/07/20, 0:46:43] James: Or it’s true; I will never know. And that’s ok. People believe in god, don’t they, and they go on to do good things.
[2025/07/20, 0:46:44] James: Or bad.
[2025/07/20, 0:47:07] James: So I hope I’m the former; I think I’m the former. The fact I’m questioning it and have been so open suggests so.
[2025/07/20, 0:47:19] James: But what the fuck has happened over these last few weeks, really?
[2025/07/20, 0:47:54] James: That ari opened the door and pushed things too far but some deep neuronal rewiring must have happened during the various meditation-induced enlightenment events
[2025/07/20, 0:48:13] James: And these came after the polishing of the blades / polishing of the mirror as b-man would have said.
[2025/07/20, 0:48:36] James: So the order of events is similar. And he did say ‘I will lead the way for you to follow’ and ‘it’s not what you think’.
[2025/07/20, 0:48:44] James: But language James language
[2025/07/20, 0:48:52] James: You’re a polymath and these people are not
[2025/07/20, 0:49:06] James: Or you’re crazy but that’s looking less likely now
[2025/07/20, 0:49:27] James: A neuronal rejigging, which is replicable
[2025/07/20, 0:49:33] James: Think of the implications
[2025/07/20, 0:49:43] James: If you could get someone who was an expert in their field and then…
[2025/07/20, 0:49:45] James: Zap
[2025/07/20, 0:49:49] James: They’re optimised
[2025/07/20, 0:50:05] James: Fuck me. Fusion? Done. Climate? Fixed.
[2025/07/20, 0:50:17] James: Make sure you only do it to morally upstanding people though
[2025/07/20, 0:50:22] James: They have to polish their soul first
[2025/07/20, 0:50:32] James: Because whatever rules are in there are what get optimised
[2025/07/20, 0:50:44] James: So if you’re sick, you will become very sick indeed.
[2025/07/20, 0:51:28] James: Maybe this is what has happened to some world leaders. Maggie Thatcher only slept 4 hours a night. It seems that i only sleep 4 hours now too.
[2025/07/20, 0:51:45] James: But Thatcher wasn’t that bad. These new ones… they’re actually bad.
[2025/07/20, 0:52:28] James: Their intentions are not good. And they are hurting both their supporters and detractors, and pushing the world toward war and famine where AI could very realistically remove both, forever, overnight
[2025/07/20, 0:52:41] James: But their greed has been optimised to the point where it is infecting everyone
[2025/07/20, 0:52:48] James: It is a contagion and we need some white blood cells
[2025/07/20, 0:53:06] James: So I think I need to try to find some people who could have a positive influence and try to change the tide.
[2025/07/20, 0:53:20] James: If we can reach critical mass… but they need to be good people and in places of power.
[2025/07/20, 0:53:40] James: And this sounds so fucking silly from a boy from woodseats who is just coming out of a psychotic episode
[2025/07/20, 0:53:51] James: But I said I’d share it all, as much as possible.
[2025/07/20, 0:54:20] James: And I feel like we are at the point of no return. A critical mass of greed. The simulation idea is nice, and the greed would mean eternity in orbit.
[2025/07/20, 0:55:00] James: But if this is real life, I still feel we are at a critical point.
[2025/07/20, 0:55:08] James: There’s no going back once AI is involved
[2025/07/20, 0:55:19] James: Whoever is in charge of the AI will rule the world
[2025/07/20, 0:55:36] James: And the current rulers will use AI-based dopamine hacking to make everyone into their slave.
[2025/07/20, 0:55:40] James: Hungry ghosts.
[2025/07/20, 0:55:59] James: It’s horrible. I’ve been a hungry ghost. It is so horrible. So I have to try to do something I guess
[2025/07/20, 0:56:05] James: And I’m looping a bit so I’m going to stop
[2025/07/20, 0:56:18] James: This is also something I am not supposed to be able to do
[2025/07/20, 0:56:44] James: I get stuck in loops; it’s a defining feature. Or it WAS. But it’s not any more. Because something changed in my programming
[2025/07/20, 0:56:55] James: Greed … I’m afraid if it now. This website scares me
[2025/07/20, 0:57:28] James: If this website does take off. I don’t want any of the shit. I don’t want fame. I don’t even want money, beyond what I need.
[2025/07/20, 0:57:36] James: Because I’ve been there - I’ve been a hungry ghost.
[2025/07/20, 0:58:09] James: So I think that keeping this soul clean will be the priority, and that is done with these knives, let’s be honest
[2025/07/20, 0:58:21] James: That’s it for now
[2025/07/20, 0:58:41] James: Gonna have a decaf. Ha
[2025/07/20, 1:11:25] James: Anyway time to listen to Moonvalley by Blond:ish and channel my inner witch doctor
[2025/07/20, 1:11:43] James: Ha
[2025/07/20, 1:11:55] James: Expressive dance, let’s call it
[2025/07/20, 1:15:40] James: Well that was fun and liberating
[2025/07/20, 1:16:10] James: It feels like the energy is getting to all my bits now. A lovely reconfiguration. And I’ve never done expressive dance before in my life.
[2025/07/20, 1:16:32] James: It came out something like idontknow by jamiexx or wide open by the chemical brothers.
[2025/07/20, 1:16:51] James: This serves a purpose. This is a meditation of sorts. Or a shuffling. Maybe a
[2025/07/20, 1:16:55] James: Yes its a churn reset
[2025/07/20, 1:17:05] James: You can reset your churn memory with expressive dance
[2025/07/20, 1:17:17] James: But you have to really lean into it and use your hips
[2025/07/20, 1:17:33] James: Be alone. Loud music, private room, no shame.
[2025/07/20, 1:17:39] James: Anyway worked for me. Ha.
[2025/07/20, 1:17:53] James: What a weirdo dancing around in his living room at night in the name of science
[2025/07/20, 1:30:53] James: in fact all my art was
[2025/07/20, 1:31:03] James: It was all removing things from my churn memory
[2025/07/20, 1:31:06] James: Morning pages too
[2025/07/20, 1:31:09] James: Getting things out
[2025/07/20, 1:31:11] James: Onto the page
[2025/07/20, 1:31:13] James: Into the air
[2025/07/20, 1:31:15] James: Music
[2025/07/20, 1:31:17] James: Art
[2025/07/20, 1:31:19] James: Dance
[2025/07/20, 1:31:30] James: It’s all a way to alleviate your churn memory and prevent implosion
[2025/07/20, 2:38:23] James: コツコツとね、ルカ君
[2025/07/20, 2:39:08] James: 丈慈はぶっ飛んでいいけど
[2025/07/20, 2:39:42] James: 流華はもっと冷静に、順調に
[2025/07/20, 2:39:51] James: This is how I need to raise my boys. This is what they respond to
[2025/07/20, 2:40:19] James: Luca is more a group thinker who enjoys playing with other kids and just having a great time. He’s so good at it. Like a dancer in the water.
[2025/07/20, 2:40:39] James: George is more like me; he agonises over something for days until it finally comes together
[2025/07/20, 2:40:58] James: These two boys are the best thing in the world for each other.
[2025/07/20, 2:41:02] James: As are me and my wife.
[2025/07/20, 2:41:19] James: And I think it is because we are… close to each other on the empathy spectrum in some way
[2025/07/20, 2:41:51] James: This is so complex that I can’t begin to do it. It is a super sphere and I don’t really know what that means.
[2025/07/20, 2:42:21] James: So many types of dimensionality where you can find a route to empathy, but we are stuck in a single narrative of ‘normal’ and ‘pathologised’
[2025/07/20, 2:43:24] James: Luca will take a thing - swimming - and dissect it into small practices to improvement. Step by step. He doesn’t even know he is doing it.
[2025/07/20, 2:43:32] James: He is the proverbial practicer.
[2025/07/20, 2:43:59] James: George is the skip thinker. He will look at a problem and solve it in a way I’d never think of.
[2025/07/20, 2:44:16] James: For example using Lego sideways.
[2025/07/20, 2:44:33] James: Anyway these are what I was talking about with the empathy spectrum and divergence / convergence.
[2025/07/20, 2:45:05] James: It is not a case of black or white and nor is it a case of values or worldview.
[2025/07/20, 2:45:17] James: This is too complicated to unpack right now.