[2025/09/20, 19:31:02] James: .
[2025/09/20, 19:31:12] James: Long evening sit cycled through some negative things
[2025/09/20, 19:31:30] James: Being ignored and written off as crazy by colleagues and old business friends
[2025/09/20, 19:31:34] James: All of them
[2025/09/20, 19:31:49] James: And the girls at school who would instigate the violence
[2025/09/20, 19:32:04] James: The boys who would carry out the violence were simple
[2025/09/20, 19:32:19] James: But what really hurt was the girls waiting behind them to laugh at me
[2025/09/20, 19:32:37] James: Headbutted in electronics. Just as I was finishing up a great project
[2025/09/20, 19:32:50] James: And all the girls at the back laughing and going ‘he’s crying’
[2025/09/20, 19:32:57] James: Before I even knew what was happening
[2025/09/20, 19:33:07] James: No pause whatsoever. Instigated by them
[2025/09/20, 19:33:18] James: And I think I kind of fancied one
[2025/09/20, 19:33:32] James: Made my stomach clench
[2025/09/20, 19:33:42] James: Then flashes of other violence
[2025/09/20, 19:33:50] James: And twitches in my shoulders and hands
[2025/09/20, 19:33:56] James: Just let it spool out
[2025/09/20, 19:33:59] James: That’s the point
[2025/09/20, 19:34:04] James: It’s over now
[2025/09/20, 19:34:18] James: But it conditioned my responses something fierce
[2025/09/20, 19:34:26] James: Nobody listening
[2025/09/20, 19:34:34] James: Isolated
[2025/09/20, 19:34:48] James: And again
[2025/09/20, 19:35:07] James: But I don’t want to do that job any more. I couldn’t. It’s not who I am
[2025/09/20, 19:35:11] James: And neither is school
[2025/09/20, 19:35:22] James: Both of those were for self preservation
[2025/09/20, 19:35:25] James: And I’m ok now
[2025/09/20, 19:35:29] James: I have my family
[2025/09/20, 19:35:31] James: I am alive
[2025/09/20, 19:35:47] James: Life isn’t fair
[2025/09/20, 19:35:52] James: I’m not whining
[2025/09/20, 19:35:53] James: Ha
[2025/09/20, 19:36:00] James: Another bit of conditioning. Don’t whine
[2025/09/20, 19:36:03] James: It’s just a fact
[2025/09/20, 19:36:06] James: It’s not fair
[2025/09/20, 19:36:10] James: I’ve had it hard
[2025/09/20, 19:36:15] James: Some have it harder
[2025/09/20, 19:36:21] James: And we were just born to it
[2025/09/20, 19:36:46] James: The brain chemistry too. All those people able to just hold a jhana. I don’t know if I ever will, with the dopamine being all over
[2025/09/20, 19:36:58] James: But you don’t need it to achieve liberation
[2025/09/20, 19:37:10] James: And I can see the unsatisfactoriness of it all
[2025/09/20, 19:37:16] James: The transience
[2025/09/20, 19:37:26] James: But it’s still in my body
[2025/09/20, 19:37:30] James: The laughter
[2025/09/20, 19:37:32] James: The violence
[2025/09/20, 19:37:40] James: I can let it out