I used this website as an anchor around which to build my new persona. This wasn’t conscious. In early 2024 something told me to learn how to art, and in 2025 I imploded. The art saved me and taught me who I am. In 2025, when I increased the dose of ari from 0.5mg to 1mg too rapidly, something told me to talk to myself and publish mumbo jumbo on the internet, so that’s what I did.
This was self-defence from my masking mechanism. I am so good at constructing masks. So very good. I can see one and I can split it and divide it into pieces until it’s just a set of a-b rules and then stick it in the pegboard of my brain and pretend that’s who I am for the next 5 years.
Then I implode.
I wouldn’t survive another implosion. So I shared stream of consciousness speaking-in-tongues here in near-real-time to ‘lock in’ the lack of mask. I also wanted to get the data as raw-but-legible as possible, and using texting myself seemed to provide just enough friction for the thoughts to flow. Like water, pushed through a hole.
And flow they did. The next 6 weeks or so was a whirlwind of exporting of rules. I think I went through 3 or 4 creative cycles to get to a mostly-finished version of this website and persona, and the final 20% of the work will take 80% of the time but only 20% of the effort. The meditation on the self and the business plan.
The speaking-in-tongues was displayed for everyone to see until one day I felt an aversion to having it there, and I removed it. This content then came out again, changed and revised and more legible, but still very emotionally charged. This is cycle two.
Cycle two I extrapolated the ‘system’ data from the raw words and also put together my basic philosophical concepts as a stop-gap for the next steps. They weren’t finished and just slap-bangs but slap-bangs are sometimes good. At the same time I am outputting raw emotion onto the page, polishing knives, working through a lifetime of processing (I’m not done yet).
I look up and realise that this phase is finished, save a couple of last things, and delete all the emotional stuff. I’ll just be ploughing along when I realise I’m at the end; it always surprises me. Then I consolidate, pull it in, and push it out again.
So phase 3 we have most of our system symptoms listed and I need to process life, so I set up a blog and start trying to reinterpret the buddha’s teachings through my new lens. They make a lot of sense through this lens. I spend about 2-3 weeks exporting here and then last night I got a buzz in the head that it was time, and 5 minutes later I am client-facing.
The rules in the pegboard are slipping into place and I am becoming more efficient. I think all the free association is enabling me to unconsciously identify my skip-thoughts and then integrate them into a normal logical process.
So say I skip-think D-to-K (err) maybe the free association enables me to think ‘ABCDKLM’ without any yanking around. It feels like it does, and that makes sense from a neuronal perspective.
Anyway that is where we are now. I am still free-associating, but most of it is more presentable and less angry. Wow were those first messages angry. And before that it was worse but all directed at myself. That anger is gone now and I can use that energy for other things. Like waking up at midnight to skip-think around the living room like a loon.
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