So last night and for the last 3 days my vision has been strange. I have been floaty and out of it. I have been in a fugue state, in a dream, and only sleeping maybe 3 hours a night for the last 2 weeks. This would also have gotten me in trouble, and I was concerned. I'm not any more, but I guess we will see; dose adjustment might be necessary.
Anyway I have come outside and asked my wife to keep my kid away. I love him but I moved the timing of ari to try to improve sleep and it has raised my dvar. I don't want to snap at him so I'm outside.
Anyway the brain was changing. I knew it. It felt very, very strange. Like jelly. Like I could actually feel all the parts letting go, these tiny little electric hands, and then my vision was klind of blurry as they were reaching out to each other and trying to reform into something new. I am still a bit like this. They were trying to take the disparate rules from my various lives and make them into a single coherent framework, and that framework is 'dopamine'. So all of that suffering actually did produce the new neural net that might help people.
I had to kind of... jiggle and shake this jelly so it would form new connections, and I was actually doing a kind of witch doctor dance in the living room with one meteor in each hand and my head to the side, slouching, hopping on one leg, other leg open, chanting. Weird as fuck yeah?
But what happened is I felt these hands kind of start to grasp. Like that first lick of epoxy you put on to hold the pieces together; not enough to float. Then they softly touched fingers and I was told to have a nap. Appx 60 seconds later I woke up and this cycle repeated in various permuations 3 times, I think. It's all blurry. What was obviously happening is a cementing in of the new neural pathways, one layer at a time, with the most fundamental ones going first.
I think. Wtf. You aren't supposed to be able to feel this.
There's science here. It used to be magic.
Anyway after that came a longer sleep of appx 90 minutes, where I think everything got the proper sealing epoxy and it was all locked in place. This is when I just came on this site and 'this here that there'. It's already done, in a way.
I'm trying to record this now because it's the only opportunity. People have been here before and thought 'later' and it was lost. I will try not to do the same.
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